Can I Dad? The battle between heart & mind, love & torture!

NOT KIDDING ANYMORE

2011-11-30T21:16:00.000Z

Alas, due to time restraints (no big shock there then), I'm quitting this blog and re-directing you to the last 1 of 3-
gonzoreviews.blogspot.com
Hope you enjoyed whilst it lasted
Ant.

7 Parenting Notes to Balance the Scale - ABCDEFG

2009-10-17T00:51:00.000+01:00

A parent’s relationship with their child directly depends upon the child’s perspective of their world. Here are 7 in-depth notes on stabilising any imbalance on your parent / child scale.

By applying these subtle changes in your approach, your child will hold you in greater esteem and find a greater sense of belonging, self-worth and parenting justice. And life becomes a little easier for all involved.

A: Advise, don’t ask: An easy way to reach common ground is to fine-tune any decision your child might make, with good advice. You can maintain the upper hand and ultimately, shape any outcome without excluding your child from the proceedings. This heightens your child’s sense of value, self-worth and perhaps paramount, their opinion of you and of how you consider them.
B: Befriend, don’t battle. Bridging any communication gap that exists between parent and child is mutually beneficial. The strengthened confidence that your child attains from your obvious commitment to and understanding of them can alleviate any reluctance they may hold when it comes to confiding in you. They’ll feel secure in sharing their sometimes secretive or askew world view which, at a later stage, could prove critical.
C: Compromise, don’t concede. Calling all the shots can lead to conflict as any parent will know. So, whilst it’s all too easy to cave-in to a child’s desires, compromise can lead to a win-win situation. You can maintain control of a situation whilst communicating exactly who’s in charge, as well as illustrating the compassion and compliance in your parenting practice.
D: Discuss, don’t dictate. Direction is a key skill for any parent. Being able to discuss the reasons behind your decisions can be priceless. Saying ‘because I said so’ to a child, well, there’s nothing much worse for a child to hear. Knowing your reasons and conveying them can earn you far greater respect and deeper understanding from your child.
E: Engage, don’t exclude. Explaining the reasons for a situation can be simplified when the child’s initially involved in the decision making process. This way you’re highlighting both the pros and cons of what can sometimes be seen as ‘their’ and ‘your’ conflicting opinions.
F: Follow, don’t flag. Falling behind with where your child’s development level is at can be costly. Without having proper guidance to steer them at any potential turning point of their upbringing, a child could easily arrive at an inferior conclusion which later in life, could serve them unjustly.
G: Grant, don’t give. Getting what they want can overshadow actual priorities and a child might react negatively if they don’t get their own way. It’s no secret and we want to give them what they deserve and it’s no secret that it’s all too easy to spoil a child. So granting instead of outright giving can broaden a child’s sense of respect. They get what they want, they fully understand why they got it and can find it easier to justify the reasons when they don’t.

So, can such subtle changes in approach really pay off? The ultimate key is to communicate your stance in any given situation.

Understanding your decisions and actions can illuminate your superior knowledge, consideration and levels of calculation at any level.

You can maintain control without projecting the ‘fascist dictator’ image that most parents unwittingly give when shouting instructions at a perplexed child.

And please bear in mind that this article is based on my personal experience, a father of two and imperfect human being, who has been known to impersonally shout at his kids when emotionally impaired!

TV: Influential third parent and a friend to all, right? 3/3.

2009-10-01T16:04:00.000+01:00

I’ve seen the future folks and it’s pear-shaped, unwashed, sponsored by McDonalds and has go-faster stripes!

It’s true; kids are mostly tough to deal with, so why bother? They’ll grow and get out from under our feet one day, so screw it! They can do what they want, when they want, as long as we don’t have to hear about it, right?

Aside from a “get it yourself” here or a “didn’t I tell you you’d hurt yourself” there, few things are heard amidst the pitiful state of communication between many a kid and their parents. Kids are being raised less effectively & more thoroughly by external non-human sources such as TV & film, PCs and consoles, all of which thankfully, come with a shining beacon of safeguard certification... yeah right!

So, how about some kid-friendly movies or games based on...

Discipline & Consequence –Before I hit double figures, I’d had more than enough character-building fear instilled to know that being agreeable is the way forward. I knew how to behave and what happened if I should forget. I was a good kid... yes, was!
Empathy & Compassion – That pesky pre-adulthood stage is a good time to obliterate any twisted feelings. Directed either inward or otherwise, they can only lead to harm. Having just 1 friend, a confidant, can make a massive difference to the forthcoming adult and their life.
Guidance & Reassurance – We all feel alone in the world at one time or another and kids are no different. To honestly believe in your heart that someone has got your back and really does give a damn, that’s priceless. And if they can educate you a little too... bonus!
Value & Appreciation – Ha! Compared to my childhood, things are sweeeet for kids these days, mine included. Okay, half-penny sweets are no more, but how Lord how did we end up here? All jokes aside, if you let them, kids can cost you your house and your home.
Honour & Respect – The rat race can knock a lot of wind out of you, enough for a person to lose sight of important stuff like family, friends, community, fellow man... you get the idea. There’s seemingly nothing beyond materialism to steer some folk.

TV cannot teach such things. Luxuries such as dear gadgets or dear people can break and in reality, they’re generally not on the mend within an adventure filled half hour. TV doesn’t tell you how to pick up the pieces or how to deal with the debris. And depiction of real life well, that’s just setting them all up for a great big fall.

But again, it’s easier not to worry, the kids are fine, they’re just like everyone else... Anyone else feel that dread in their gut when they read that ‘like everyone else’ part? Parenting can be made easy with a few simple steps, steps that are sadly being taken and will lead to an ever-downward spiralling nightmare of new life... joy!

Raising kids is hard for a reason, it’s to focus your input and to emphasise its true worth. You can’t leave it to the teachers (who are robots really... it’s obvious), GTA or Jeremy Kyle. I know it’s easy to point the finger at slack-assed parents and to blame them, but TV etc is playing a huge role in the disaffection and alienation of today’s young.

TV: Influential third parent and a friend to all, right? 2/3.

2009-10-01T14:08:00.000+01:00

Having explained my troublesome introduction to TV and it’s oh so convenient childcare abilities; I’m now going to elaborate and offer a solution.

In a nutshell, the problem is that you have lots to do and to do it; the TV must shape both your child’s mental and spiritual perspective, undoing any good work you’ve already accomplished. It’s a fact that beyond the actual televised content, the rays in which your child basks are detrimental.

They have serious knock-on effects that interfere with levels of mental expansion & concentration, self-application & interaction and ultimately, can lead to an overall retardation in your child’s development.

One crucial aspect which can maintain the wellbeing of you and your children is balance. Balance can prove to be invaluable, but it’s a bitch of a solution to apply! How you apply balance will depend on the way you prioritise everyday events and the timeline to which you are bound.

Now, at one end of the scale, the simple solution would be to drop the chores onto the backburner, safeguard your kid and at night, when the little one is asleep, perform your chores then. Okay, you’ll eventually crack crash and burn from having no ‘me’ time and, after a month or so of losing sight of yourself; you’ll suspect that the balance may be somewhat askew.

Shifting the balance to the other end of the scale plays out something like this... Having accomplished your daily goals whilst TV plays childminding with your soft minded one, you’re happier in yourself and this in-turn radiates onto your child. So, if you can forgive the damage done by that pesky TV, it’s a win-win situation. Forgiving oneself has never been one of my strong points though.

Imbalance can lead to feelings of resentment, futility and even desperation which yes, can be channelled, but honestly, such emotions can be torturous and are best avoided at all costs. You must remember the paramount feel-good factor here, the satisfaction of knowing you’re doing right by your child, the priority in all of this (Sorry, you only come a close 2nd I’m afraid).

So, mid-scale balance brings what and is there such a happy place at all? ‘Real’ play, with toys and everything, offers short blasts of independent homemaking ability, so switching off that day-freeing hypnotic TV is a lesser chosen option too. Incorporating your child with a chore, e.g. folding washing can also work, despite the time consuming half-assed impact you’ll have on both child and laundry. Here’s what I found worked best...

Allure your child away from the TV by performing your duties in an animated and attractive way; try to get into playing with your stolid role. Don’t see your everyday jobs as inconvenient, because under the different light shining from optimism, lays a realm of curious wonder for any parent-loving kid. This way, on the whole, you have your kid’s attention and they have yours.

Along with simple non-intrusive tools like music to further distract your child, the TV can either be turned off (nice and green) or left on for (those reassuring side glances it receives from) your now distanced child. And remember, in the comfort of your own home, there’s no need to feel shy or silly. Unconditional awe-fuelled adoration will be your prize, along with a healthier kid and a cleaner home! Remember, a happy you makes for a happy mini-you.

Problem solved then? Well, if you understood half of this post, you must be one of the good guys like me. Sadly, the problem doesn’t end there, because, as with most scenarios, there are bad guys too.

Unlike a growing percentage of parents out there, we pay mind to such matters. We care about where our kids are, what they’re doing, who’s influencing them today and what they’re learning. We grasp the importance of regular interaction and input.

My closing post (#3) will touch upon the new wave of parents and their skills, their children and their collective outlook.

TV: Influential third parent and a friend to all, right? 1/3.

2009-10-01T11:33:00.000+01:00

I spent something close to 5 years as a househusband and initially I, an already hands on Dad with (thanks to the kids) pride coming out of my every orifice, relished the thought of spending my every moment with my 2 goons.

Thankfully, I had no preconceptions that this was going to beat leaving for work etc on a daily basis but in hindsight, the spring in my step could, to some length, been attributed to some ‘grass is greener’ mentality that unavoidably seeped into me.

Before I knew it, my original agenda of maintaining the home whilst lovingly nurturing my kids, was rudely interrupted; harmony and oneness invaded by the seemingly esteemed allure of our TV. And of course, that wouldn’t do! My kids basking in the light of the zombie box for hours on end... no no no!

In little time at all, I came to see that good parenting and practicality don’t (always) go hand in hand. It took little time for me to see that if I were to get anything done at all, the TV would simply have to babysit and play games like surrogate for a while!

Routine lends a sense of auto-pilot to daily proceedings and before long, self loathing and lethargy had set in and set up camp in the lounge. I hated ‘having’ to sacrifice my precious parenting time in order to complete chores in a timely fashion. I really hated that bloody TV and its soul-sucking stare that was eagerly gobbled up by my somewhat snaggletoothed and soft-minded monkeys.

All the determination I had mustered to put an end to all that TV ray absorption, undermined and ridiculed by whom, me, that’s who! Sharing my disconcerting findings with the missus lead directly to one thing - generous portions of humble pie being crammed down my sorry neck! And oh how I deserved it.

So, why am I rattling on like this, banging on about this ’problem’? Well, for good or ill I intend to dive hard and dig deep into the belly of the beast that is this dilemma. Armed only with personal experience, hindsight, current affairs and probably some opinionated philosophy and theory, I’m gonna nail this sucker!

So, TV, parenting, depression, drought, global holocaust and free hot-dogs, all to come in the second, more enlightening part of this trilogy.

Heat-sensitive / thermostatic clothing for kids: Do we need them?

2009-09-10T18:20:00.001+01:00

Most of the folk I’ve spoken to regarding this topic agree when I say that the jury is out for the foreseeable future. So, just what are we to make of Asda / George new (100% cotton 9-piece) £5 line of TempAlert heat-sensitive baby clothing? Let’s hear an insightful validation from the person who proudly brought us the highly sought-after mid-sized jeans and both the Moda and Boston Crew clothing lines. George Director Fiona Lamberts commented...

“This revolutionary new technology will prove invaluable to new parents. We know high temperatures are a constant worry for our customers and it’s a really scary time being a new parent. With this in mind we are proud to be able to include this in our George Baby range and make it affordable and available to everyone.”

I admit that some think-tank somewhere along the line, surely, has studied, assessed and obviously approved the schemes worth, so why such widespread scepticism then? Well, here’s how I interpreted Fiona’s input –

“New, unit-shifting gimmickry that’ll (perhaps unfairly) frighten new parents into frenzy, before the peace of mind that’s promised, simply proves to be nothing more than flash in the pan scaremongery, which is fine, what with the novelty factor alone bringing in a million pound turnover”.

In a nutshell, the incorporated technology in TempAlert garments is there to inform parents of their child’s (newborn – 18 months) raised body temperature and possible impending illness in the process. To warn parents, in advance, of any higher than normal temperatures, a thermometer will change colour so, no qualms there then, right?

Okay, I might be over dubious, but might is a mighty big word when it comes to the safety of your children. One concern is temperature regulation i.e. hot sunny days, crabbiness or teething to name but a few conditions that can will and do affect a child’s body heat. But my main worry is the influx of distressed folk to be found needlessly pestering their GPs, hospitals and well, anyone who’ll listen.

I also worry about the ever diminishing art of good parenting that’s constantly on display everywhere I go. It’s no secret that future generations are going to revert back to Neanderthal lifestyles all too soon and TempAlert is another tool to help take the parent out of parenting. Goodness... I’m wandering into the empty realm of politics I feel, accept my apologies reader!

Whilst I appreciate the value of an early heads up about any impending infections, pox, or colds, I can’t help but feel that this idea has got ‘bullshit’ sewn right through its frilly under-crackers. So, care to chew this one over folks?

Ant Standring.

Parents of the world... UNITE!!!

2009-09-06T00:36:00.005+01:00

Hi there, parents both 'good' and 'bad', welcome!

I've had to walk away from a child for their own safety and yes, I've known fear in the face of parenthood. I know that some instances can be intense. I know that some of you have stood at the top of the stairs with a crying baby in their arms, focusing on that little voice in your head that's whispering "NO". Kids push you to the limit, it's something you learn to love, right?

On the other end of the scale, those moments when a sleepyhead confronts you at 12:30 in the morning, clearly in need of a cuddle and with no sense of direction, it's enough to melt your heart, right? If there's one saying I can refer to as being true, it's this " it gets easier". But for how long?

I've started this blog in order to create a kind of sanctuary for the minds of all those parents out there.
You know who you are... the folk who are perhaps one step closer to the edge than the 'perfect' parents around them.

The parents with all the answers (YES YOU), please come and share too!

I'm hoping to create a space where like-minded parents can hopefully help each other by discussing, empathising and even understanding the joyous trials of the battle that parenting can sometimes be. And to share the fun and laughter that only kids can bring.

So, if your kids are angels sent directly from heaven or they're screaming babies, manic toddlers, mouthy pre-teens or even mouthier teens and they're pushing all your buttons, this is the place to let it out and regain some sense of it all.

And if you've got it easy, COME SHARE THE SECRET!!!

Ant Standring